STUPIDSID
kaustubh Date
on 09 October, 2012
on 09 October, 2012
Virtual Routine
In this post I want to discuss something which is a part of your everyday routine. Your bowel movement might defy you on some days, but this activity never would. Any guesses? Nope guys, its not drugs, alcohol or smokes... Well now before your imagination starts to run wild, I disclose - its Facebook, my friends! Moreover after you login, what you almost mechanically do these things - check notifications believing that every notification is a marriage proposal, only to find out that some barely known friend has sent you some request to fart and shit in their farms and you end up sulking over it. I'm sure those farmville, fishville and other shit ville request senders have been at the receiving end of far more ridicule than Justin Beiber. Next, what you do is check what your crushes have been upto - have they changed their profile picture?..If yes then shower compliments hoping that you stand a chance of being a prospective boyfriend among those 100 odd male likers and 50 odd commentators. Still the competition is better than that for IIT JEE. Next you check if any of those 'in a relationship' babes have changed their relationship status again hopelessly hoping you stand a chance – still a better story than Twilight.
Next you start browsing your Facebook wall. Here is a brief categorization of what your wall contains:
1. Status updates:
a) Scams
Perhaps the one reason that tops my hatred for scams, scandals, price hike is because my wall gets defaced with all those angry and frustrated status updates. Recently when this coal scam broke out I was seriously contemplating not logging on to FB for a few days until this Hurricane Coal has receded. What purpose does crying out your frustration on FB serve? Our Prime Minister Manmohan Singh may be mute but certainly not blind. Do we actually hope that he is secretly keeping a tab of our status updates? Even if he does do you expect him to act on your status update when he has ignored the scathing criticism by the Opposition and the media. As things stand there is very little he can do as he is merely a puppet in the hands of a certain high command. A sincere request to all politicians - please do not get involved with any scams, and help me keep my wall clean of all the choicest expletives that you get showered with. I don't expect you, dear politicians, to avoid scams for non-existent reasons like ethics, moral values, national honor but at least have some mercy on my wall even if it is not Kasab.
b) Post break up status updates:
It is indeed surprising how people start talking philosophy after a break up. I assume its philosophy because those updates are extraordinarily unintelligible to me however there are so many people to who understand and comment on it. I wonder why break up is such a wonderful feeling - why an otherwise Dolly Bindra turns into some Sadhavi and starts free knowledge sessions on Facebook. There are equal number of sympathizers who make this whole break up drama appear like someone in the family has died. Why do you want to let those 'Do I even know him' friends to know what goes on in your personal life? When you post such personal details on Facebook it only becomes a hot topic for gossip and ridicule. So avoid shedding tears on your walls. Even walls have ears.
c) Navjyot Singh Siddhu fans:
Like the ball by ball commentary of cricket match these people take inspiration from Siddhuisms and post minute by minute updates about their daily life. However in the process they end up making a Nirmal Baba out of themselves.
2. is at updates:
This has been another annoying trend recently. Each time someone visits a restaurant or sort of something they put up an update via their phone: is @ McDonalds.
I really wonder what could be the reason behind posting these updates:
a) You are inviting everyone on your friend list to join you there. If that is the reason then I'm sure you would run such a high bill after the party that your father will throw you out of the house. I wouldn't settle for such an invitation unless the person speaks personally. So I believe it is not an invitation.
b) You want to tell your potential kidnappers / rapists where you are exactly located so that it becomes easy for them to hijack you. Well then its only your FB friends who see those updates, so it will be an easy clue to nab down the culprit. Whether the police would scrutinize your 1000 friends long friend list is their headache afterall but still not worth it I feel...
c) You want people to know that you are having a great time over all the calories you consume. Well if that is the reason then be assured you are not the only one who knows to have a good time and not all your friends live a sad life. They too enjoy their own. Moreover, they enjoy for themselves and not for the sake of telling the world that you are having a great time. After this ball of time comes a time when you regret all the calories you consumed. However, to my surprise I never find a status update which reads is at gym. And the number of restaurants you visited clearly gives a hint of why you have started posting only close up pictures of the late!
I have a mountaineer friend who happened to climb Mount Everest. I visited his wall to find out if he had updated is @Mount Everest. He hadn't. It occurred to me later that there is no connectivity on Mount Everest. Still congratulatory messages had started pouring in. It made the point very clear: When you are on Everest you don't need a status update. The world knows about it anyways.
3. Passing the Parcel Game:
I have come to this conclusion that its wrongly believed that Mark Zukerberg invented Facebook to copy college assignments, he has actually done so to help random kids in Africa, to track down missing people, wanted criminals, to seek God’s blessings, to prove you love your parents etc. and that too by something as simple as clicking the like and share button. It is for this reason that I feel Mr. Zukerberg deserves the Nobel Peace Prize. Given that Facebook population is larger than most of the countries in the world, I would like to believe that the likes and shares have successfully fed all malnourished children not just in Africa but the world over. Not one unholy person exists in the world as everyone have washed their sins by sharing a picture of God, and next time you commit a sin you will be forgiven by doing the above all over again. Then those who would normally not believe the ‘good intent’ behind sharing a post are threatened with dire consequences such as such as something really unfortunate will come your way. The author of these posts accurately knows something unfortunate coming in the way of the reader but didn’t know of so many disasters like terror attacks, Tsunamis, earthquakes, global recession beforehand. So a sincere request to all those clairvoyants to please predict these catastrophic events first than predicting some unfortunate events of my life like constipations and loose motions. With all due respect to your skill to instilling fear in the minds of people I would still suggest that the best way to instill fear is to threaten with only one dire consequence:..otherwise you will get a KT. In that case every engineering student will share your post without batting an eyelid. Otherwise, if you say, by sharing this post you will clear all your subjects as well as backlogs in first go then that would get even more shares. (I was talking to my friend when I learnt that they have a session in their office called K.T. Before a shocked me could react I was told it meant knowledge transfer. Hope this offers a little moral support to those who have been bogged down by that ‘keep trying’)
So guys this is what we do on Facebook for hours! Now I so wish we had a subject like Facebook Engineering and that would be one subject where I will not fail- in practical or theory or viva.Signing off!Thank you for reading this lengthy post!
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