Those exhilarating jitters. That tight, tight knot in your stomach that doesn’t seem to go away even after a hundred deep breaths. Those lovely feelings of anxiety, frustration and helplessness. The urge to open your book for one last time before it all starts, then the impulse to kiss it. Exam time is one jolly period. Thank god that exams will always be there, and we will always love to hate them. And hatred makes the world go round! Whatever the verdict at the end, it takes many a peaceful night for the process to end. You mostly do horribly well on your own too, what with the 39% failing rates and numerous other unfortunate folk who regretfully miss failing by a mark or two. To make it all simpler, here is our guide to better exam planning. All of which you have heard before, but like always, never cared to follow. (You guys never disappoint.) And since we prefer NOT doing things rather than doing them, here’s presenting! *Claps, impressive lighting and a burst of streamers!*

WHAT NOT TO DO DURING YOUR EXAMS

• Do NOT study: Studying is stupid. We do it for others. Why should the youth of today have to sacrifice! The stress hormones released during last minute mugging cause heart problems later, which keeps millions of cardiologists employed. So look to do well in the world, wile away time when you have it, save your precious learning energies for one day before the test. Because everyone loves a backlog. Expect an excellent result; however, spend an hour or so praying one day before.
• Do NOT sleep the night before: You did nothing the whole year, obviously you need that one night! It’s going to make SO much of a difference. It’s another thing that you’ll be drowsy the next day and your brain won’t work, but who cares about that. Not like we need brains for writing exams.
• Do NOT reach the exam hall in time: The others reach on time. The extremely pathetic ones reach half an hour before. They get to do lame stuff like calm down nerves, adjust to the environment, discuss tricky topics and brush up a little. But YOU are meant to do so much more. Make an entrance when you reach fashionably late, forget stuff in the hurry of things and write gibberish in your paper. This technique works so well that even the most hopeless ones blank out as soon as they see the paper, since they haven’t had enough time to calm down.
• Do NOT forget to compare your preparation: “OMG! The nerdy girl with the smart-ass look and huge glasses just said she read the book three times, and I don’t even know WHICH book she’s talking about! I’m so confident now. I’m obviously going to do better than she is.” Such comparison induces amazing confidence and optimism, and you’ll march to the hall feeling awesome about yourself, provided you can control the shivering in your legs.
• Do NOT ignore the annoying examiners: You can overlook the important announcements, but be sure to listen attentively when they tell you to check the spelling of your name midway during your math exam. So what if they told us to write roll numbers on the QP twenty times before? Look up and listen again! Even if they are discussing marriage problems among themselves, pay attention. Distracting students with unnecessary remarks is their job, and they do it well. All we have to do is cooperate.
• Do NOT forget to cheat: At least one attempt, dude. Come on. Our teachers want us to get marks, so for their sake. Learning is for losers. It’s best if you work hard and get caught. (Which hopefully you will) A huge helping of humiliation for the entire family, with a serving of expulsion on the side. Your mouth’s watering already? Your eyes will water too.
• Do NOT forget to check out the crowd: Exam halls are great places to make social connections and contacts. Look around, wink and nudge the guy in front. (ask him for answers while you are at it)That is not an angry glare you get in return, my friend, it’s a smile in very good disguise. The examiner may get impressed and take you for a stroll to the principal’s office; or even tear your paper out of jealously if you prefer to give it more attention than you give her.

If you follow these steps carefully, exams will be cakewalk. However if these are too hard and you are still not expelled and ruined, never mind! There is more to keep your mood alive!

• Do NOT go straight home without discussion: We obviously don’t mean learn from your mistakes. Just ask the most arrogant smartass in class how their paper was. Not only will they talk about questions that you don’t remember ever seeing, they’ll also point out stuff you did wrong. You’ll be discouraged enough to give up on your next exam successfully.

If you have read and understood everything carefully, you are on the path to all-time examination greatness. Those of you who are a little slow, you will learn these things soon enough. The brainier ones should note that this article is laced with a hint of sarcasm. Only a teensy weensy hint. Wish you the best for your exams!